I'm not here to make friends

​by Cameron Schneberger

​​Listen. I came here to be number one
and the sun shines for me and the autumn leaves 
are my confetti and I show up late to my job
at Starbucks with coffee from another Starbucks.

My landlord sent me a dick pic. It did not frighten me.
Yes this prick has a key to my house, but now he's fit
for blackmail. I'm not here to make friends. 
This is said a lot on reality shows because when love

and money are at stake, a friendship is as useless
as a teacup on the Titanic. I don't believe in crimes.
If I'm crying in public don't ask me how I'm doing 
I'm doing bad. If I'm losing in badminton I will 

attack you with the racquet. In my youth I tripped 
a boy down a hill. The joy of watching his buzz 
cut tumble. And that kid I tripped. I had no beef 
with him. I had to send a message to his older brothers.

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